My dear friends,
Marriage is described in this service as an excellent mystery. In this case ‘mystery’ does not primarily mean something not understood but, according to the Oxford Dictionary, which quotes this Prayer Book phrase, ‘a religious ordinance or rite, especially a sacramental rite of the Christian religion’. But since mystery is a word with many meanings and associations, I feel justified today in declaring marriage to be not only a sacrament, but a puzzle and, like a medieval guild, a vocation.
But a sacrament first, and one not performed by the priest, but by you. In committing yourselves to one another, as Christ and his church are committed to one another, you are creating under God a new being, not just two persons but one, a partnership which has the power to grow and be the basis of family life, and, indeed, to take it over. The Vicar blesses you, but this mystery of union is a treasure which is yours alone.
It is a puzzle too, and you each may feel you are not entirely in charge of your life, which is only to be expected, since you have given it to one another. But, having promised to live together for ever, it is disconcerting to find one can be annoyed merely by the way the other potters about in the mornings or fails to wash up the glass before the silver. At this point, one must remind oneself that love entails infinite forgiveness. The important thing, I would suggest, is to talk about one’s complaints and not let them fester, and then agree, if necessary, who is going to give way or to bear with what cannot be mended. Of course, I realize you are going to have more serious problems than that. A woman who is brave enough to marry a soldier faces as many special difficulties as he does. Each will be obliged to experience loneliness and to undertake commitments affecting the other without necessarily having the chance to ask their opinion. It is the more important to get inside one another’s minds as swiftly and as far as you can, while maintaining the independence of each. This is another reason to talk, and talk, and explore together your hopes and fears and your prejudices.
Finally, marriage is a mystery, in the sense of a vocation. I have to stress that it is more demanding than you anticipate; it takes all you can give, and then, at the end, you may yet feel that you were inadequate. Despite your devotion, one of you will go first and leave the other waiting here to resume the partnership. Only a life committed to growth in love and friendship, under God, will carry you through.
I tell you the unvarnished truth with affection. All of us here have come to wish you well in this mystery, this exciting adventure. Love one another and be happy, and God bless you.
Amen.
Alan Goodison